Rain in LA

Journal - News

N E W S

Rain in LA

 

It is raining like balls outside right now. Total downpour. It is ironic, because the telephones in our neighborhood had already gone out today due to 'severe weather', even though it has been completely clear and dry for a week now.

 

Last week we did get quite a bit of rain. Really becomes a bitch when I'm trying to drive back from my current office in Baldwin Park (HQ of INO). It's 20 miles of chaos when it rains. It's normally fine because I'm driving against traffic, coming and going. Benefit of working outside the city.

 

I can still remember when I first moved to LA almost 6 years ago. It was winter, so it was the rainy season. I'd just moved from New York City, and having grown up in the MIdwest, I've never really batted an eye at weather before. But here, in LA, there is nothing bigger than weather.

 

I switched on the TV, and the program I'm watching gets cut into by the local news. A correspondent is standing on a corner somewhere in the city. It's bright and clear outside, with a bit of traffic behind her. You would think it was another normal day in Souther California, but for the look of sheer terror in her eyes. She stammered as she spit out her first words: "I'm here [someplace in LA], and it looks like it may begin to DRIZZLE!". She tries to recompose herself. "I repeat, according to our weather team, it may begin to drizzle in Los Angeles".

 

At this point, tears begin to well up in her eyes.

 

"If it does begin to drizzle, we will keep you informed...."

 

I thought it was a joke. I could not understand the fear. That was because I'd only been in LA for a few weeks, and didn't understand LA residents.

 

After the big news bulletin ruined the show I was watching, I decided to go get something to eat down the street. By the time I came back, it HAD begun to drizzle. No shit, this was the scene everywhere, in all parts of LA: First thing I notice is that it is a goddamn DEMOLITION DERBY in the streets No one here knows how to drive in the rain. You would think you were watching people trying to drive in slow motion on grease. It probably doesn't help that all the streets here were made concave. Much like the heads of the city planners. This is especially helpful to catch all of the rain water, and hold it into place. It also allows it enough time to seep into the asphalt and extract the oil and other junk that has leaked out of cars all over the city, and float it to the top.

 

Women are screaming. Baby's are crying. Dogs are barking. Cats are being smug and useless. A black man's running down the street, completely engulfed in flames. Every single hostess, waitress, and waiter within the City Limits simultaneously broke down and confessed that they really have no interest in acting as much as becoming a celebrity. They then apologized for ruining Karaoke everywhere by always trying to turn their self absorbed performances into auditions.

 

Sorority girls, who would be normally breaking the law and being extremely selfish by riding their bicycles on the sidewalks a good foot and a half from a HUGE bike lane, are on their hands and knees screaming into the ground, praying for death. Iron gates came up out of the ground surrounding Beverly Hills. There was no in or out without a receipt from Rodeo Drive. All of East LA immediately stopped detailing their cars.

 

And somewhere, out there, in the middle of it all, was some local news correspondent, cowering under an overpass, as at least 3 dozen helicopters surrounded the lone cloud that had happened to wander into the city on it's way to the mountains.

 

All this, because it was drizzling.  don't believe I even had to wipe my feet when I finally walked home.