An Open Letter to Alisha, Lover of the Crystal Skull

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An Open Letter to Alisha, Lover of the Crystal Skull


 I woke up this morning to find that my friend Alisha, posted this comment on my Facebook wall:


"can we talk about the crystal skull? Ev and i are to the point where they found the skull and so far i absolutely love this movie! why was this thing so panned?? i mean, didn't people see temple of doom??? great plot! great action! good historical goodness? harrison is kick ass. marion is about to show up? what is bad about this???" 


After I swallowed the vomit in my mouth from thinking about the movie, I wrote this as my reply and am posting it here:


Dear Alisha,

I am considering calling child protective services for you not recognizing why Indiana Jones and the Crystal Skull is DICK. 

There was no acting. Just mugging for the camera like being one of the characters is an inside joke to fans everywhere. As crazy as Temple of Doom was, everyone on screen was committed to their characters and they at least behaved somewhat realistically to all the nonsense happening around them.

Though it is not the worst movie ever made, it is easily the most odd and unexplainable. But it is not good either, so here is why it is so bad:

-) CGI groundhogs that look like Fraggles and NO Kenny Loggins music.

-) When the refrigerator door opens, it wasn't just a pile of meat that poured out.

-) Someone is getting devoured by SCORPIONS and the person with them doesn't care enough to help brush them off, and just makes jokes.

-) The movie is 6 1/2 hours long and 6 1/3 of it is Shakirah la BOOF getting hit in the balls with plants on a never ending jeep chase.

-) Shakirah la Boof becoming lord of the apes.

-) Marian confidently driving a Wisconsin Dells DUCK off a 75,000 ft cliff, into a tree, and having it gently place the vehicle on the ground again.

-) Indy-is-afraid-of-snakes gags weren't funny after the first movie.

-) Karen Allen, not even seeming to be aware she is supposed to be a character in a movie, and thinking it is simply a venue to talk to her old pals Harrison Ford and Steven Spielberg. How many out-takes do think there are of her saying "can you believe we're getting paid for this? *giggle*"?

-) Bringing the skull of L Ron Hubbard to it's ship and there being a dozen other skeletons of L Ron Hubbards SITTING IN CHAIRS just waiting around to SPEAK for the past 10,000 years.

-) The end climax being a never ending photoshop filter. EMBOSS! EMOBSS! EMBOSS!

But the ONE good thing: ANTS EAT PEOPLE!